


Fowl play on SPORTS day

by ArionWind



Category: Artemis Fowl - Eoin Colfer, Homestuck, Wizardy Herbert
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-18
Updated: 2012-12-18
Packaged: 2017-11-21 15:30:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/599367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArionWind/pseuds/ArionWind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the day of the big SPORTS game, Herbert wants nothing more than to just get the game over with and get on with his life.  But the author thought that would be boring, so the Big Bad of the story had to do something.  Something sinister that would be an annoyance to Herbert, but not enough of one that he could actually lose.  Because that would suck.  But something that would inspire drama and tension.  Something . . . Fowl.</p><p>Actual drunk fanfic from an actual drunk author.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fowl play on SPORTS day

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kayla](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayla/gifts).



            It was going to be an idea spring day.  Herbert kney wths because eth author had wrot it in the story.  It was also goindg to be an imortant day for Herbert.  The last game of SPORTS for the season was going to be played today by the Fort Crowsnest team agains the one from team Serpernook.  But as soon as he got up, Herbert had to go to the vommon room and get   Beatrix ready for the day.  Because more was going to happen with Plot than she knew.  But he did because he is the hero.

            “Hey, Bea,” he said, the romantic tension in the air predictably palpable between them.

            “What is it, Herb?” she said, using the shorthand because they were totes in lust for each other even if they wouldn't admit because the main couple never does until the end of the fic when they make out.

            “Some shit is goonna go down today what with the big SPORTS game today with Serpernook.  Our big bad is goona pull some, and I quote, “Fowl” shit today.”

            “Oh no, that sounds like it is going to be be bad for the SPORTS game with Serpernook today!” she daid sith concenr in her voice.  Herbert always knew what ws gonna happen in the fic he was stuck in, and she knew by now to tyrust him.  Weven with her heart, because they were in love or something.

            “Yeah, so come on, we got to fix this before it goes down and happen to be hust too late to stop Slinus, or something.  I knew I should have shot that fag.”

            “But Herbert, we havet o let the story play out or else the author might not let you go back to the home you had!” Beatrix said for the umpteenth time.

            “Yeah, I know, but whatever.  I still wanna just kill him.” Herbert said, yet again.  And he did know because they toeses hat this coversation lots of times before.

            “well what are we awting for?  Kets go!” Herbert said as he started out the door.

            “Yes, okay, I am coming!” said Beatirix as she followed.

            “Good luck guys!  With whatever.” Said Russet coming down the stairs as they left.

 

 

* * *

 

            They were walking down the halls of their school when Herbert grabbed Beatrix's hand. “So, yeah.  I am supposed to be holding your hand when we find out what is going on, because apparently awkwardness is cute or something.”  He said awkwardly because everyone knows awkward couples are cute.

            “Oh!  Uh, okay.”  Said Beatrix, blushing, because one sided awkwardness is only cool when it is the guy who isn't awkward.

            “Yeah, it's kinda annoying, isn't it?  Such stupid narrative bullshit.” Herbert said.

            “Haha, yeah, bullshit narrative stuff . . . of course.” Beatirix said, blushing even more since she had played into the author's hand.

            “God you just know some hackneyed device is going to jump out in the middle of someone's sent-” He was interrupted by a door slamming from the stairs above them.

            Slinus Marlevort Was standing in the doorwy above them sneering and pointing at them!  “You are too late, Herbert!” He crwed, sneering more sneeringly than before, “My Fowlest of plans is already in motion!  You won't ever be able to beat the Serpernook tem _and_ be a hero today!”  Then he ran off into the shadows because the Big Bad always sexaped to fight another day when it isn't the last book.

            “Oh god, what the hell hs he done now.” Herbert said cynically, as if he didn't know.  Which he did because he knows all about the plot, “I could almost hear the ironic spelling in his words, couldn't you?”

            “What?  Oh! Uh, yeah, right.  Spelling and irony and all.”  Beatrix said, predicatlby distraceted by touching the hand of the person she loved.

            “Well we pretty much have to go up the stairs and into the ritual chamber now.”  Since they were outside the ritual chamber, Herbert knew Slinus must have left something inside.  Or would have have had to know that anyway, if he hadn't already known that someeothing plot related ws in there.  Something that was omeone.

            “Okay,” Beatrix said, rushing to catch up with Herbert as he went through the oddr to the ritual chamber.

 

 

* * *

 

            The scenede in the room was full of smoke.  But it pretty much had to be bacues how else could a dramatic reveal happen fegarding madic and rituals and shit?  No other way, thots how.

            “I hate this cliché,” Herbert said as he shuffled thorugh the smoke.  As Beatrix entered, she heard him say out loud to the room, “I swear, if this doesn't clear up soon, I am gonna just shoot Slinus is his fucking face!”

            “Well that doesn't sound terribly heroic.”  Said a voice from near the center of the room.

            Just then the smoke started to clear for totally magical reasons not related to Herert's threat, because the author doesn't take none of his bullshit, but doesn't compromise the plot for anything either and the smoke was going to vanish then anyway so there.  In the center of a room was a young boy, who looked naked at first glance because shippers need Shota to play with, so the boy in the cirlce was young and naked and male.  He was the one who said the thing up there.  Only not really naked, just the smoke made him look that way.  Because the author is no pedophile or nothing, that shit's creepy.

            “Oh my god, really?”  Said herbert, not believing the fan-pandering bullshit that the author was stooping to.

            “I ghuess so!” Said the smug-sounding kid in the middle of the room.  Only without the typos tht the author didn't bother to correct and won't for the rest of the fic and that goes for other characters, too.

            “This is gonna be a crossover, isn't it?” Asked Herbert as Beatrix entered the room and was mentioned in the narritive to show that the author didn't forget her.

            “I don't know what that means, friend, but I also don't know where I am.  I was kind of busy showing up all the adults around me an dI would like to get back to that.” The boy said, standing up and revealing some clothes thathe was earing to cover the naked the fog had suggested before.

            Herbert sighed.  “Yeah, it seems so.  So what's your name?” Herbert asked because he needed to introduce the nbew character.

            “Artemis.”  Said the totes not naked boy.  “Artemis Fowl.”

            “God DAMNB it, I hate puns!” Sid Herbert at the same time as Beatrix said “Oh, so _that's_ what sLinus meant by a “fowl” plan!” Intuiting the spelling of Artemis' name from the words of the kid.

            Artemis looked at the wtow of them inquisitively, reflexively putting things together.  Becaust ehat's all the author can think that he does.

            “Anyway, we need to get you get back toyour home world.”  Herbert dais.  He knew that the author would just drag all this pointless banter on and on if he let it happen.  And he wanted to play SPORTS and shoot people and neither of those would happen as ong as the author had control.

            “My . . . home world?”  Artemis asked, momentarily bewildered.  But not for long, sicne he is brilliant and not gonna be flummoxed for long.

            “Yes, you are-” Herbert started, dismissiely, but was interrupted by Artemis.

            “No, I think I get it.”  He said, standing up. “This is some kind of magic ritual.”  He said, looking around, now.  “I was puled into some toher world as some part of an evil scheme to interfere with . . “  Artemis appraised both of the wizards in the room with him.  “You, I think.”  He said, pointing at Herbert, a shit-eating grin on his face.

            “Oh god, you're a protagonist, too, aren't you?”  Herbert said, while Beatrix, who was still there, looked on kind of bewildered.

            “Wait, he's like you, too?”  She asked, giving an opportunity to explain things to the audience.

            “No,”Replied Herbert, condescendingly and loingly at the same time somehow.  “He's a protagonist, but he doesn't know it, like I do.  He probaly thinks we are deluded or something and will nod and go along with us just so he can mor eeasily get out hole getting back home.”

            “Oh!”  Said Beatirx, finally understanding as Artemis nodded along doing all those things Herbert saisd he would.

            “In any case, this kind of summoning needs a focus.” Said Herbert, remembering his lessons in transdimensional summoning theory. “So if we can find that, we can send you back.

            “Hmm . . .” Artemis mused.  “I remember hearing the world 'Gufflite' a lot along with the pulling sensation that brought me here . . .”

            “There is just no fucking way this is really happapenning.” Herbert lamented.  He thought it was too contried.  Byut it wasn't.  It was just contrived enough for a Wizardy Herbert story.  And he knew it, mostly, even if he didn't say or admit it, even to himself.

            “You mean it's a MaGuffin?” Beatrix asked.

            “Yeah.” Said Herbert, scowling. “It pretty much has to be.  I _really_ should have just shot Slinus when I had the chance.”

            “But we have to let the story play out!”  Exclaimed Beatrix, oddly coherently, as the author reached for another drink.

            “But that's so stupid!” Herbert complaine3d.

            “Um, can we just get the gufflite and get me home?  So you can go back to . . . whatever it is you do?” Artemis asked, obnoxiously.  “That would be the best idea, no?”  He said, putting a slight accent ont helast word.

            “What was that?”  Asked beatrix naively, because all the people that metter already know what it was.

            “What was what?” Asked both Artemis and Herbert.

            “That accent on the last word!” She replied t both of them at once.

            “Oh!, sais Artemis, patronixingly. “That was me speaking Spanish.”

            “How was that Spanish?” Beatrix asked, still stubbornly not listening to the author and thus not getting it.

            “In Spanish, 'no' is spoken 'no'.” Artemis answered.

            “God, you are such a slittle shit, you know that?” Herbert asked Artemis rhetoricallly.

            “Yeah, I know.” Artemis proudly ansered, ignoring the rhetoricalness of the question.  And then a scene change happened.

 

 

* * *

 

            “Do you have any idea where this thing is?” young Artemis asked several hours of searching later.

            “Not a clue.” Sighed Herbert. “I son't think even the author knows where it is gonna go through the drunken haze.  Maybe I should just cheat?”  He asked, pulling out his wand.

            “But that's cheating!” Worried Beatrix, worriedly.

            “Yeah, that's kinda the point.”  Said Herbert, starting to wave his shaft around.

            “Wait!” shouted Artemis, a glint of genius in his eye.  “Metaphysically, perception is associated with height, and to pull someone from across dimensions, one would need uncommon perception.”

            “But We were already in the ritual chamber!” droned Herbert, reluctantly providing the plot hook for Artemis to explain his most intelligent of theories to the group and the readers.

            “Yes, but he wouldn't need the Gufflite _with_ him as long as he had a link to ti.”  Artemis looked around before pointing at the highest room in the talles tower.  “There!  In the higest room in the tallest tower!  It would have to be there, or my name isn't Artemis Fowl.”

            “My god, I hope yu don't say things like that all the time.” Herbert said, grabbing Beatrix's blushing had as they head for the tower.

            “I bet youd love to find out,” Artemis said gayly, winking at Herbert and increasing the gay romantic tension.  Also adding fuel to the shota fire, because there isn'tenough yet.

            Herbert rolled his eyes, but secretly got aroused even as he pulled Beatrix closer to him.  The feelings of passion for the young boy now leading the way were confusing to him. “God, you are such a little shit, you know that?” He said, unconvincingly.

            “Yeah, I know,” Artemis said, smiling at the phrase he had heard time and again.

 

 

* * *

 

            “There it is!” Artemis exclaimed,pointing to the thing that doesn't een need a description, because it practically screams 'PLOT' floting in the highest room of the tallest tower of the school.

            He started to rush to it, but Herbert screamed “Wait!” and pulled him close into like a kind of protective hug just as a bolt of Magic Attackery hit right where Artemis would hae been standing.

            “Woah!” Artemis said, his heart beating from more than just adrenaline.  The rest was from attraction.  From  being so close to Herbert.

            “Yeah, this whole place is so predicatbly trapped.”  He said, shaking his head and pushing Artemis away.  “We are supposed to sole the puzzle her before we grab the Gufflite and get you aut of here.”

            “But how will we do that?” Beatrix asked worriedly, eyeing the shifting colurs and patterns around the Gufflite blob in the middle of the room.  She pressed herself closer to Herbert, drawing comgort from her love of him that was rquired by law to have.

            “Aha!” said Artemis, his eyes tracking the patterns around the room.  “All we have to do is align the shifspun lighters, then place the keystone lockers in the arious durguzzle linkage sectors.  After that we-”

            “Yeah, screw that.” Herbert said, pulling out his long, hard stick.  Magic stick.  His wand.  Youperverts are awful people and should feel bad.

            “No, Herbert, we need to dothis right!” Beatrix said, pullinlg lovingly on his arm.

            “No way, we have SPORTS to play.” He sais dismissively, shaking her off. “ _Solutius Conundrus!”_ He shoulted, waving his wand.  At his magic words, the puzzled soled and unmade iteslf as the right answers fell into place.

            “Spot on!” Artemis said in a British accent because that is how the author imagens him talking for no good reason, knowing nothing better. “Jow what do we do?”  HE asked Herbert wonderingly, clearly attracted to the dis[ay of magical power.

            “Now we get you home.”  Her bert said as he dragged Artemis forward forcefully, making Artemis blush.  “Just grab the gufflite.  I bet the author wants this done as much as we do.  This thing has already gone on for six pages.

            “Will I-” Artemis gulped.  “Will I ever see you again?” Artemis asked as he reached out fro the Gufflite.

            “Whenever you complete a maor sotry arc, I'll b ehtere.”  Herbert said tenderly.  “Whenever you fulfil a trope that eveyone say coming a mile away, I'll be there.  And hwn you defy all expectations and piss your author off, I'll be there too.”  He said as he planted a kiss on Artemis's forehead.

            “I'll never forget you!” Artemis said echoingly as he faded away out of sihgt.

            “For you sake, I hope you will.” Herbert whis[ered hella dramatically. “It'll b eeasier that way.

            “. . . Now what?”  beatrix asked tentatibely, wiping a tar from Herbert's eyes once Artemis was gone form their sight.

            “Now . . .”  Herbert said with determination.  “Now e go play SPORTS and fuck up some Serpernook asshole's pplans!”

 

 

* * *

 

            The game of SPORTS was going badly for the Fort Crowsnest team/  Wothout an extra drudsel scooper, they were down 40-surf to 10-clove.  And the Serpernook Skubump Snatcher was about to snatch the Skubump, to end the game.  In anticipatory celebration, Slinus Malvora had his hands down Russets pants.  Russet was starting top pant and whipmeper in mixed guild and pleasure with the hot as aballs Serpernok hero touching him like that.  He knew that if Serpernook won, ther would be the hottest of hot gay sex tonight.  But he also knew his friends weould be upset.  This upset him.  Though it didn't upset Slinus.  Sad Fort Crowsnest and hot as balls gay sex waas what he wanted all along.  He thought his plan was working fine.  He thought wrong.

            Beatrix and Herbert shot onto the field riding their horses as hard as they each wanted to ride each other.  “Go for the Drudsel and get as many scores as you can!”  Herbert shouted.  “I will snatch the skubump!”

            “Okay!” Beatrix said, slipping her gmmidge horn on and going after the drudsel with abandon to dojust that.  Which she would because she is awesome.

            “Good luck!”  Russet called from the audience as the game kicked into overdrive.

 

* * *

 

             
            After only 15 minutes of play time, Herbert snatched the skubump, and Fort Crowsnest won the game, 80-bulge to innuendo-15.

            “Yes!” Exclaimes Herbert, giving Beatrix a big sloopy kiss on the lips.  At the same time, Slinus pulled his hands out of Russet's pants and shaked his fists at them in loser's rage.  But Herbert and Beatrix didn't care.  There were having a hetero moment.  Of loe.  Sexy love.  And that night they had hot sex.

 

The End


End file.
